well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
