i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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