Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
