Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
