i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
