I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
