I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
