he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
