I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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