I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wear drunk well.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
