you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and she was petting her beer can
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
