Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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