im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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