It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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