I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
