So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
