You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We need a shit load of segways right now
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
