You smell like a Billy Joel song
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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