Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
