the condom got lost in my hair
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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