Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
