I molested 6 butterflies tonight
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
