Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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