My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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