I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
