I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
