dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
