My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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