I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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