Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
