I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
