the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
