dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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