New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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