listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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