I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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