you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
