Reggie can tackle my bush.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
