you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
