Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
