can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
