It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
