I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
