Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
