I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
