i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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