I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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