At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
