Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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