Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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