Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
the raccoons are back...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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