He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
