I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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