Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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