I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
