I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
