Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
