In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize