When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
