5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
